# Top quotes — the funniest genuine passages

**Selection rule (please keep in the piece):** every quote below is funny *in
its honest context* — either the member was deliberately joking, or the comedy
is in the bureaucratic/legal absurdity they were faithfully describing. The
remaining "relevant" hits in the dataset come from genuinely grave debates
(FGM, trafficking, modern slavery, rape sentencing); playing those for laughs
would misrepresent the speakers, so they are **not** listed here. That leaves
**14 quotes that honestly qualify**, not 20, plus three clearly-labelled
honorable mentions that were *excluded from the scores* as false positives but
are too good to lose. All quotes are Hansard, Open Parliament Licence v3.0.

---

## 1. Chris Bryant — the Viagra/Botox tribute to the Speaker
**3 Dec 2015 · Business of the House** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2015-12-03/debates/15120362000003/debate#contribution-15120362000279)

> "You sat in that chair yesterday, Mr Speaker, from 11.30 am to 10.54 pm… That
> is quite a test of endurance, and some of us are wondering whether, like
> Davros in 'Doctor Who', you have secretly had some kind of feeding and
> filtration system fitted into the chair or some hidden tubes. Or perhaps it
> is down to drugs. Now that the pharmaceutical giants Pfizer and Allergan, the
> owners of Viagra and Botox, have come together, perhaps they have invented a
> new drug, with which you have been impregnated, Mr Speaker, which means that
> you can keep a stiff upper lip all day."

*Context: shadow Leader of the House teasing Speaker Bercow after an 11-hour
sitting on Syria airstrikes. The innuendo is fully intentional — the current
Northern Ireland Secretary remains the only cabinet member to deploy "Viagra",
"impregnated" and "stiff" in one parliamentary sentence.*

## 2. Ed Miliband — the SNP and the Kama Sutra
**19 May 2026 · Energy Security** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2026-05-19/debates/D5DB72B8-ED1C-4EC2-A82B-71867F875E8B/debate#contribution-BA314FF4-6BBF-42DB-BBD1-EC5B159E4721)

> "The SNP has had more positions on this than the Kama Sutra, so it is
> genuinely hard to keep up."

*Context: the now-Foreign Secretary, then Energy Secretary, on the SNP's oil
and gas policy, two months before entering the Foreign Office.*

## 3. Lucy Powell — the Tories and the Kama Sutra (the original)
**3 Jul 2025 · Business of the House** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2025-07-03/debates/3C633FAA-9179-4113-884F-CE4FABAF491D/debate#contribution-736CABC3-A86F-4BB6-ACF1-AE98CFE129C2)

> "One minute they had an industrial strategy, the next they ripped it up…
> In 14 years they have had more positions than the Kama Sutra. It is no
> wonder they are completely knackered."

*Context: the Education Secretary, then Leader of the House, on Conservative
policy reversals — note she got to the Kama Sutra gag ten months before
Miliband recycled it. Cabinet solidarity has limits.*

## 4. Angela Eagle — "black, white and a little blue"
**12 Feb 2015 · Business of the House** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2015-02-12/debates/15021269000004/debate#contribution-15021269000424)

> "According to the Daily Mail, the Prime Minister partied with the kings and
> queens of sleaze, including a porn baron, the owner of a strip club and the
> boss of Ann Summers. Perhaps they should have changed their theme to black,
> white and a little blue."

*Context: the Environment Secretary, then shadow Leader of the House, on the
Conservatives' Black and White Ball donors.*

## 5. Angela Eagle — the billionaires and the strip club owner
**3 Jul 2014 · Business of the House** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2014-07-03/debates/14070342000002/debate#contribution-14070342000233)

> "We now know that last year's event was attended by six billionaires, 73
> financiers, the owner of a strip club and the judo partner of Vladimir
> Putin."

*Context: same target, a year earlier — Tory fundraiser guest lists.*

## 6. Chris Bryant — there is no legal definition of a brothel
**21 Oct 2016 · Sexual Offences (Pardons Etc) Bill** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2016-10-21/debates/DD6089AE-523C-4707-9773-4262BB9415BD/debate#contribution-93E6E91B-0549-4D3C-86B3-98265E58F19D)

> "May I correct the hon. Gentleman slightly? There is no definition of a
> brothel in law. Common law allows the courts to determine that a brothel is
> a place frequented by men to perform lewd homosexual practices including
> dancing, and the term has often been used in that sense. There is still
> plenty on the statute book that needs to be reformed."

*Context: a genuine, correct point of law — delivered with visible relish —
during the debate on pardons for historical gay convictions.*

## 7. Chris Bryant — Lord Parker's definition, 1964
**3 Nov 2003 · Penalties for Keeping a Brothel** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2003-11-03/debates/506dd057-e223-4054-ac2c-dea956dc33ec/debate#contribution-ef6e43b7-0461-408a-8de8-0ef1b5d39d42)

> "There is no definition of what constitutes a brothel in law, so we rely on
> judgments for definitions. In the case of Gorman v. Standen in 1964, Lord
> Parker said that a brothel was 'a house resorted to or used by more than one
> woman for the purposes of fornication'. Surely the question of whether one
> or several women are involved must form part of the debate."

*Context: Bryant has been pursuing the "what actually is a brothel" question
for 23 years. This is the earliest recorded instance.*

## 8. Chris Bryant — asking the Government to clarify what a brothel is
**3 Nov 2003 · Penalties for Keeping a Brothel** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2003-11-03/debates/506dd057-e223-4054-ac2c-dea956dc33ec/debate#contribution-f5270518-c27d-4d7c-b427-09dd2501fd43)

> "…under section 6 of the Sexual Offences Act 1967 a brothel would include
> anywhere to which people resorted for the purpose of lewd homosexual
> practices. I wonder whether my hon. Friend intends at any point to reform
> the law so that it is a bit clearer on precisely what a brothel is."

*Context: same debate, same mission, minutes earlier.*

## 9. Alan Campbell — the strippergram exemption
**19 May 2009 · Policing and Crime Bill** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2009-05-19/debates/09051970000002/debate#contribution-09051991000724)

> "The purpose of the provision is to recognise that not all premises that
> provide relevant entertainment should be classed as sex encounter venues.
> An example is a pub that hosts a birthday party for which a strippergram
> has been booked; we do not believe that such premises should be regulated
> in the same manner as a lap-dancing club that offers adult entertainment
> nightly."

*Context: the leaderboard champion, then a Home Office minister, solemnly
carving the strippergram birthday party out of sex-establishment licensing.
This single bill accounts for most of his 46 cleaned mentions.*

## 10. Alan Campbell — grandfather rights for lap-dancing clubs
**19 May 2009 · Policing and Crime Bill** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2009-05-19/debates/09051970000002/debate#contribution-09051991000722)

> "The other debate on grandfather rights that I remember was on the
> introduction of the Licensing Act 2003. The reality is that lap-dancing
> clubs will, like other establishments, need to be licensed."

*Context: "grandfather rights" and "lap-dancing clubs" in consecutive
sentences, entirely deadpan, entirely procedural.*

## 11. Alan Campbell — renaming the sex encounter venue
**12 Nov 2009 · Policing and Crime Bill** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2009-11-12/debates/09111250000002/debate#contribution-09111250000853)

> "…from 'sex encounter venue' to 'sexual entertainment venue' in response to
> concerns that the term 'sex encounter venue' could inadvertently stigmatise
> those who work in lap-dancing clubs."

*Context: Parliament spending legislative time on which of two euphemisms is
politer — a genuinely considerate change, and still funny.*

## 12. Alex Norris — the erectile dysfunction double standard
**1 Nov 2021 · Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2021-11-01/debates/F9D63099-1635-443C-9927-9297F0A7E9F3/debate#contribution-20199D90-73A2-40FF-8CB4-AD77A12ABF9D)

> "To be clear, Mr Mundell, there is a one in 10 chance that either of us
> might present to our GP with erectile dysfunction. I know for certain that
> the GP would not say to either of us to come back when we wanted to have a
> child, and they certainly would not suggest removing the offending organ."

*Context: the now-Justice Secretary making a sharp, deliberately cheeky point
about how women's reproductive pain is dismissed compared with men's. The
joke lands because the underlying point is serious — flag that in the piece.*

## 13. Jonathan Reynolds — brothels and free school meals
**9 Nov 2020 · Supporting Disadvantaged Families** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2020-11-09/debates/640B734D-982A-46E7-8B6C-8576D161FCC1/debate#contribution-43867D2C-C72D-43A7-AA94-A87E157D1613)

> "I am talking about the unacceptable insinuations about money for
> children's food being spent on brothels and drugs, with no evidence to back
> that up."

*Context: the Business Secretary condemning a Conservative MP's notorious
claim during the Rashford free-school-meals row. The absurdity being quoted
is the joke; Reynolds was furious about it — say so.*

## 14. Alan Campbell — empowering communities (about lap dancing)
**27 Oct 2008 · Home Office Topical Questions** · [Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2008-10-27/debates/0810274000022/debate#contribution-0810274000147)

> "Local people have legitimate concerns for objecting to the planned
> location of a lap-dancing club, and we want to empower local authorities to
> take account of those legitimate concerns."

*Context: where it all began — the first of the champion's twenty recorded
lap-dance mentions.*

---

## Honorable mentions

*(These were **excluded from the leaderboard as false positives** — the words
are innocent in context — but the passages are genuinely funny and worth a
sidebar. Label them as excluded if used.)*

- **Angela Eagle**, 18 Dec 2014 ([Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2014-12-18/debates/14121837000002/debate#contribution-14121837000349)):
  "The Prime Minister has been spotted pigeon shooting with a full police
  escort, because apparently he misses killing things." — *"escort", police
  sense; the joke is at David Cameron's expense.*
- **Andy Burnham**, 12 Jun 2012 ([Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2012-06-12/debates/12061240000020/debate#contribution-12061240000079)):
  "I would have suggested some work shadowing on the NHS front line to get him
  back in touch, but I forgot that he cannot go into a hospital without a
  police escort these days." — *the new PM's only near-miss in the entire
  dataset, aimed at Andrew Lansley.*
- **Chris Bryant**, 26 Jan 2006 ([Hansard](https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2006-01-26/debates/22a72445-eb6f-4549-979e-e345a3d08275/debate#contribution-35acaf99-8d24-4046-a817-120ce064231a)):
  "Earlier, my right hon. Friend talked about the missionary work of Sir Bob
  Geldof. Will he be undertaking it with the Conservatives in Canada?" —
  *"missionary", religious sense. Probably.*
